Probably the most simple, yet profound post I’ve written. A definite “must read”…
Not too long ago, back when I started to draw interest in dating, I could not even properly talk to a woman I was not interested in. My social skills were a complete mess. I memorized an opening sentence or a comment such as “cool hair you’ve got there“, hope that she’d stay and talk to me, and use that for the rest of the day. That was the plan at least.
In reality, I missed like 50 potential approaches all in ONE DAY due to fear getting in my way. Now, what happens when we say we’re going to do something and then we get stifled and don’t. In my case, I began to think these really dark thoughts. I was hating on myself, mentally screaming at my shortcomings and reinforcing into my brain that not following up on your word is a loser-like quality. So basically, every time I did not approach the girl I was fond of, I’d beat myself up for being such a piece of shit.
Now, what does this type of behaviour reinforce?
It makes us feel like we are nothing without our accomplishments, we are nothing without having something to show for our success. It reinforces the idea that we must do something in order to feel good about ourselves, therefore basing our identity on something external. You’ll see this type of thinking all the time. Most “successful” business leaders have a tremendous ego, which is based on their luxury houses and cars, the ability to yell at their staff, boss people around and feel superior to the fellow man in general. Take those things away from the guy and what does he have? Externally, a lot less than he used to. And since his identety is based on external values, which are now gone, he’ll lose his self-confidence, his self-esteem goes down and he won’t think he’s worth much. Why is that? Because a man like this measured his own worth by only looking at external, which is always situational.
We are unable to control events that take place outside of ourselves. We are unable to stop hurricanes, prevent some douchebag from keying our sports car, we are unable to control life. All we are able to control, is our response to the external events that take place.
Like me in the beginning, being extremely self-hating and basing my worth as a man on this small simple thing such as saying “Hi” to the girl who walks past, I was really superficial. As long as we’re measuring ourselves by our external results, our self-esteem and self-worth all in general will be fragile. Let’s say you get sick and are not able to produce results at work for a week or so. Should you feel like shit about it? No. All it takes is an understanding of the world, that we will always have worth even without having anything to show for it. Paradoxically, having no need to get something will actually get us that very same thing we do not need. Let go and it shall be given to you, no matter how clishe’ish this sounds.
Is it bad to have some motivational self-talk on why we should approach the girl? Is it really that bad to beat ourselves up for our shortcomings?
Actually, this behaviour can be EXTREMELY beneficial in terms of results. But, the action should be coming from the place of “I don’t need this, but I sure as hell do want this!”
“We don’t need anything, but we should want everything.”
In life, our happiness is not affected by how many cars we own, how many women we bang or how many people love us. It’s affected by having a clear understanding of the world and realizing that happiness lies in the process of accomplishing your goals. You do not need to approach that girl you like, it does not change your value as a man in any way! But, it sure as hell would be fucking AMAZING, if you did.